Feeling All The Feels

A few days ago, I saw a Facebook memory from a year ago of when I had posted about the phone call I got from my sister telling me Dad had went into cardiac arrest. Upon reading it, I was overwhelmed with a rush of feelings, as though a movie flashed before my eyes. I started reliving that awful short period of time between losing dad and Mama losing her fight against COVID-19. It all flashed by quickly, but those seconds were agonizing and left me feeling drained on every level.

I became very sad, whereas prior to reading that Facebook memory, I was completely fine. I could feel myself going back to a dark space, but I didn’t fight it as I typically would. Most of the time, I’d tell myself it was pointless to feel sad when I knew Dad was happy and whole now. Instead, I let myself stay there for a bit. Some part of me recognized the need to feel sad, to allow that little girl inside to mourn the loss of her parents.

The best way I can explain this part of my grief journey with you is that I was able to step outside of myself and view the situation, me, and my feelings from a neutral perspective. I then decided to check in with myself to see if the inner child part of my soul still needed to continue grieving our loss. It was at that point that I realized I did not have to continue to feel those emotions and relive my loss again unless I chose to. And at the same time, even if I did feel the need to feel all those feels, I didn’t have to stay there and let them overwhelm and cripple me. It didn’t serve me for my best and highest good to continue to feel anything I didn’t need to for extended periods of time. Once I realized this, and was assured my inner child had felt her feels, I was able to let those feelings and sadness go and move on with my day.

It took me almost a year to realize I hadn’t let every aspect of myself mourn the loss of my parents. It also took me stepping outside of myself and viewing myself from a space of neutrality and non-judgment, that I realized even though I’m a huge advocate for feeling feels (emotions) that come up, I had been making excuses why I shouldn’t feel my feels surrounding my parents’ deaths. I wasn’t truly allowing myself to grieve. I acknowledged my emotions, but I talked myself out of the need to feel them to protect my heart from breaking further. The irony is, once I fully allowed myself to feel what was in my heart without letting my brain take over, I was able to start the release and healing process for my grief.

We grieve because we have loved. There is no cure for grief, it is not something you get over. It is true that over time, your grief may feel less intense. However, it is only by grieving that you will be able to heal your grief. Feel all the feels it brings with it. Allow yourself the space to feel as much as you can and as much as necessary. It is then that you can begin to process and release these emotions so you can move forward on your journey. Grief is a silent passenger you will carry for the rest of your life, always there in the darkness. You never know when it will make itself known, nor how it will affect you moment to moment. But if you take the time and do the work, this silent passenger doesn’t have to become a heavy burden you carry forever. It can become a part of your life you integrate and live with and learn from if you allow yourself the space to do so.

On this day marking the 1 year of Dad’s passing, I am grateful to have had this experience on my grief journey. It doesn’t diminish how much I miss him or my Mom, as I always will. However, this experience has allowed me to see their passing from a different perspective than one being fully consumed with guilt, regret and sadness. I’m able to focus more on the good memories with my parents and my family rather than my loss of them. It is here I feel the most at peace.

It is my wish for each of you who is here reading these words to find this peace within yourself. It may not happen today or tomorrow, but trust it will come. I am forever holding space for you as you learn to move through your grief into a place of peace and comfort. Thank you for being a part of my journey.