Grieving Through The Holidays

A word to more accurately describe this time of year would be “holidaze”, because that’s exactly what it feels like to me. A huge, unrelenting daze. It’s my first holiday season since both of my parents died this past summer. I knew it would be tough, but as with everything in regard to grief, there’s no way to prepare for it.

There’s this sense of familiar happiness of the season, like seeing my kid get excited about presents or baking and decorating cookies together with her and my husband. And yet, no matter how happy it feels, there’s this huge underlying sadness that’s so heavy in my heart and is something I am completely conscious of in my brain. Feeling these two sensations simultaneously is very, well....wonky.

Then, there’s guilt. Oh mah lawd, the freakin’ guilt! Thinking of all the years we didn’t make it home to spend the holidays with my parents. Now, having absolutely no more opportunities to do so, it all just feels like such a waste. The bitter truth of hindsight and all, I guess. And then o feel guilty for being sad when I should feel happy because I’m sharing in my own family’s Christmas memory making moments and yet all I feel is the loss looming of my parents in my face and in every fiber of my being.

I’ve been attempting to remain mindful when the grief and sadness begin to overwhelm me. Right now I basically try to recall happy memories instead of focusing on the loss and guilt, but more often than not, the happy memories just make me cry even harder because I realize those types of experiences with my parent will never happen again. And while I try to remain grateful for having had the chance to have parents who gave me some good, happy memories, I can’t help but just feel sad. It all feels off and weird even though I’m doing my best to appear as though all is well.

This is the first year in a really long time that I haven’t watched A Charlie Brown Christmas. It has become a tradition for me and my little family over the last few years. I just can’t bring myself to watch it this year. Just talking about it a few days ago made me want to erupt in a waterfall of tears.

The reason being is the movie reminds me of the Christmas we had when I was 10. We lived on some acreage in Virginia at the time. The majority of our land was wooded so dad decided to walk around and find a tree for us to use and decorate and surprise us with it. He found one a while later and brought it back to the house. To this day, I’m not sure if anyone truly knows whether he did it as a joke or what was going on in his mind when he chose the tree he did. The tree dad brought back was the probably the scrawniest tree in our property. It was short and barely had any needles on the few branches it did have. It basically looked as though dad had found the real life Charlie Brown Christmas tree.

Mom was mortified. She told dad there was no way that tree was our Christmas tree. She even joked how it wouldn’t be able to hold any ornaments. The rest of my family chimed in with similar thoughts and began to make plans to go find a different tree elsewhere for the family to use. I watched my dad’s face drop. It seemed as though he was disappointed in their reactions to his hard work in finding a tree for us to have for Christmas. Upon seeing this and feeling dad’s emotions as this scene had played out, I interrupted the chatter and told my family I liked the tree. They seemed surprised. I thought it had character and didn’t matter if it wasn’t the perfect looking tree we typically displayed every year. I remember saying to them that dad had tried his best, and it was the thought that mattered most. I recall the look on mom’s face when I said those words. It was a look of a proud mom moment mixed with being ashamed that her 10 year old had just taught them all a valuable lesson.

We used that tree dad picked out that year. One person just about every year since has recalled that memory. It was officially forever dubbed dad’s Charlie Brown tree. So it’s difficult to watch the movie without thinking of this beautiful memory of my family. I’m sure some day, I will be able to watch it without having a sob fest. Until then, I’ll keep on doing my best as I navigate these grief waters.

Sending love to all of you grieving during the holidays. I am holding space that we each can find peace and comfort in the memories of our loved ones and keeping the faith that one day again soon, we can find joy in the midst of all the sorrow and pain this time of year can bring.